Somewhere to go (like heaven)
May 2–July 6, 2025
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HOW I GOT HERE
It’s been probably four years since I’ve sent out an update on my life. So much has changed since 2020 (my last update), so here’s a summary of what happened.
Experiencing these tribulations left me to where I am now, where I am slowly re-building a thoughtful infrastructure and clear path to bear me fruit. I’m writing this publicly, because the story is not mine anymore, it is yours to hold.
- I moved to Copenhagen for one year
- Ended a long-term romantic relationship
- Had my first solo painting show in San Francisco
- Moved to New York and got an art studio
- Began Interruptions1
- Connected with music again
- Got laid off and got a new job
Experiencing these tribulations left me to where I am now, where I am slowly re-building a thoughtful infrastructure and clear path to bear me fruit. I’m writing this publicly, because the story is not mine anymore, it is yours to hold.
SIX MONTHS AGO
When I got laid off earlier this year, my panic set me off into a meditative state of constant creation. For three months, I dialed in and worked nearly every day on a variety of creative and professional mediums until I landed a new job. I began learning Ableton, created playlists, hosted an Interruption, visited the West coast thrice, painted consistently, revamped my portolios, did an audit and overhaul of my social medias, released YouTube videos, and purged my possessions.
I feel so much lighter—it’s as if the universe forced me to molt, and the matter that once seized me have departed to find life of their own.
The emotional foundation that I built for myself proved to be well reinforced during these volatile circumstances: my community showed up for me as I sorted and processed my feelings to make sense of it all.
I couldn’t sleep for those three months2, as being forcibly submerged into the unknown led to an existential and identity crisis. While I knew I had to feel and face these growing pains as they were happening, I kept wondering where I was heading to next. All I knew was that moving forward, I needed to set up a more sustainable lifestyle in order for me to feel good about everything I breathe life into.
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I feel so much lighter—it’s as if the universe forced me to molt, and the matter that once seized me have departed to find life of their own.
The emotional foundation that I built for myself proved to be well reinforced during these volatile circumstances: my community showed up for me as I sorted and processed my feelings to make sense of it all.
I couldn’t sleep for those three months2, as being forcibly submerged into the unknown led to an existential and identity crisis. While I knew I had to feel and face these growing pains as they were happening, I kept wondering where I was heading to next. All I knew was that moving forward, I needed to set up a more sustainable lifestyle in order for me to feel good about everything I breathe life into.
IDENTITY CRISIS
Since I moved, my adoration of New York and my desire to kindle community overrode other priorities, and the systems3 that I set up for myself for success, collapsed due to my lack of maintenance.
My life became a symptom of my poor habits and routines, and as a result spiraled myself into an identity crisis. The vastness of the city and the freshness of a breakup inspired me to ride the possibilities of my personal style, which expanded so far in pinkness that it snapped me right back to the core of who I am: I found myself wearing black again, a clean slate for me to throw colour on.
Both my job and my vocation required me to make miniscule detailed and abstract high-level decisions, and I could not spent more energy deciding what to put on my body. So blacks and neutrals it is, and boy I have never felt so good. At the moment, wearing (and painting) these muted colours allows me to focus on my art practise further and create a sturdier foundation for my ever-growing artistic philosophies. Before I dressed like the strawberry clouds that I floated on, because in 2024 I lived in the fantasy that was the exhilaration and delirium of New York City. This dream was so honest and so fantastical, that it had no choice but to spin itself back to blackness. It was all worth it, I know now.
This is the first time I’m able to begin making a home for myself. For the last decade, I’ve moved every year, and this is my first time standing still and having an opportunity to develop my philosophy and voice. In turn, my art has evolved from elemental compositions to more complex spirals. If for some reason, I cannot tell you what’s happening with me, I will always be able to show you where I am through my art. Just as Vincent Desiderio says:
“Never trust the artist—trust the work.”Both my job and my vocation required me to make miniscule detailed and abstract high-level decisions, and I could not spent more energy deciding what to put on my body. So blacks and neutrals it is, and boy I have never felt so good. At the moment, wearing (and painting) these muted colours allows me to focus on my art practise further and create a sturdier foundation for my ever-growing artistic philosophies. Before I dressed like the strawberry clouds that I floated on, because in 2024 I lived in the fantasy that was the exhilaration and delirium of New York City. This dream was so honest and so fantastical, that it had no choice but to spin itself back to blackness. It was all worth it, I know now.
This is the first time I’m able to begin making a home for myself. For the last decade, I’ve moved every year, and this is my first time standing still and having an opportunity to develop my philosophy and voice. In turn, my art has evolved from elemental compositions to more complex spirals. If for some reason, I cannot tell you what’s happening with me, I will always be able to show you where I am through my art. Just as Vincent Desiderio says:


READ ME, PERCEIVE ME
I love websites and have always utilised the web in one form or another to express and document my thoughts, whether that be on Tumblr, Youtube, Soundcloud, Spotify, etc. My creative rise came about Flickr and TeenVogue, when I joined their forums and found myself active amongst their communities of creatives who posted outfit photos or the 365 self-portrait projects. I adored the work and lifestyle of Kalie Garrett and Olivia Bee and Nirrimi Firebrace, and still follow their pursuits. It felt like we all grew up together, as our parallel values paved way for our artistic futures that we now get to live.
The internet allows my introversion to thrive, and to thrive I must allow my type-A brain to guide my life. I’ve always been one to create guidelines and organisation, which I believe maximise creative output and self-discovery. Hard work ethic drives output, and consistent soulful iteration creates meaningful value. I force myself to suffer and endure the rigor of these processes and systems, in order to be able to pour heart into making this life that I adore, a continual reality for me. Otherwise, the fantasy will stay a fantasy and I will be chained to being at the mercy of someone else’s dream. This is not an option for me.
During my time in New York, I abandoned my computer and these systems that I set. I found myself frenzied with painting or socialising, I lived my first year in New York in casual and chance pursuit of people who I could love and could love me back. Within time, I found friends who wanted to be along for the ride, and treasure them in my pocket as I pass through the terrains of the city.
Despite going off the computer, I used Instagram stories as a medium and found it successful for what I needed to do: express myself authentically in the moment, such feelings of regret, joy, proudness—anything that felt worthy of sharing. This proved successful, as I have strengthened friendships through the internet, and simultaneously I found myself strengthening my sense of self through both the practise of being perceived, and vocalising my observations of the world.
My relationship with social media used to be more straining, but as of the last year it’s been peaceful. I’ve come to terms with privacy, perception, and being an artist in the digital age. There’s always been an inherent desire to be perceived as mysterious and cool5, but it fights my inherent self that enjoys just sharing what I find interesting. I also find it strange to be observed, but I tuck away that thought elsewhere because it is not useful to me at the moment. My strength is my vulnerability, and I have so much to say and so many vessels of expressing. I now post a bit on YouTube and will continue to do so whenever I want, and I also post on Soundcloud as well because why not.
I now understand that to be seen and to be accepted, you must show yourself—your vulnerable self. Sharing and story-telling has always been a strength of mine, I shall just be more intentional moving forward. My time has felt more precious than ever, and if I can hold your hand for a second through the internet, I hope it can feel like it lasts forever.
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The internet allows my introversion to thrive, and to thrive I must allow my type-A brain to guide my life. I’ve always been one to create guidelines and organisation, which I believe maximise creative output and self-discovery. Hard work ethic drives output, and consistent soulful iteration creates meaningful value. I force myself to suffer and endure the rigor of these processes and systems, in order to be able to pour heart into making this life that I adore, a continual reality for me. Otherwise, the fantasy will stay a fantasy and I will be chained to being at the mercy of someone else’s dream. This is not an option for me.
During my time in New York, I abandoned my computer and these systems that I set. I found myself frenzied with painting or socialising, I lived my first year in New York in casual and chance pursuit of people who I could love and could love me back. Within time, I found friends who wanted to be along for the ride, and treasure them in my pocket as I pass through the terrains of the city.
Despite going off the computer, I used Instagram stories as a medium and found it successful for what I needed to do: express myself authentically in the moment, such feelings of regret, joy, proudness—anything that felt worthy of sharing. This proved successful, as I have strengthened friendships through the internet, and simultaneously I found myself strengthening my sense of self through both the practise of being perceived, and vocalising my observations of the world.
My relationship with social media used to be more straining, but as of the last year it’s been peaceful. I’ve come to terms with privacy, perception, and being an artist in the digital age. There’s always been an inherent desire to be perceived as mysterious and cool5, but it fights my inherent self that enjoys just sharing what I find interesting. I also find it strange to be observed, but I tuck away that thought elsewhere because it is not useful to me at the moment. My strength is my vulnerability, and I have so much to say and so many vessels of expressing. I now post a bit on YouTube and will continue to do so whenever I want, and I also post on Soundcloud as well because why not.
I now understand that to be seen and to be accepted, you must show yourself—your vulnerable self. Sharing and story-telling has always been a strength of mine, I shall just be more intentional moving forward. My time has felt more precious than ever, and if I can hold your hand for a second through the internet, I hope it can feel like it lasts forever.

I’LL MAKE MUSIC
During this time, I threw myself into intensive playlist-making which led me to discovering an abundance of new music and artists. It was so freeing, for my body to finally get out of fight/flight mode and push myself onwards to discovery (a scary and vulnerable place to be). On a lovely Thursday evening, I went to see Yuka Honda (Eucademix, Ciba Matto) and during the middle of her performance, I had a life-alterating realisation: I think I’m painting sound.
It’s all conjecture at this point, but I know I’m going somewhere (and I hope that somewhere is heaven). I’ve been interested in geometry as shown in my first set of paintings, as to which my friend jokingly and endearingy called me “space-age Georgia O’Keeffe”. I’m still slowly reading Flatland as I enjoy the philosophy and romance of math and geometry, and there is something to be said about the composition of a spiral and its embodiment of whimsy and eternality. My visual philosophy involves balancing splendid curves with hard edges. It looks this way, so of course it must sound some way. The question is, what does it sound like?6
All of expression is a form of language, and there is a relationship between this alphabet that we’ve created for ourselves, and the way we express ourselves out into the world. It’s processing, communication, and then interpretation.
My first language is technically Chinese, my second is English, and my third is musical notation—my mother is a piano teacher who taught me piano since the age of 5. I grew up listening to her and her students playing classical music everyday, and adopted melody as my primary way of listening. Meanwhile, I was still understanding how to speak as a child.
My fourth language is reading people: with my deafness, I acclimated by reading people’s body language, vocal tones, facial expressions, amd lips. While there is an argument for trauma being embedded in my ability to understand and translate energy, I strongly believe that I compensated for my lack of ability to hear clearly, with a skill in non-verbal comprehension.
It makes sense now, to combine these forms of self-expression into an immersive experience that is an amalgamation of my artistic loves. As an artist, of course there are endless mediums I would love to tap into, but this story isn’t quiet—it’s loud and it has the wings of a symphony, and it is my responsibility to translate what I hear, for you to listen to.
It’s all conjecture at this point, but I know I’m going somewhere (and I hope that somewhere is heaven). I’ve been interested in geometry as shown in my first set of paintings, as to which my friend jokingly and endearingy called me “space-age Georgia O’Keeffe”. I’m still slowly reading Flatland as I enjoy the philosophy and romance of math and geometry, and there is something to be said about the composition of a spiral and its embodiment of whimsy and eternality. My visual philosophy involves balancing splendid curves with hard edges. It looks this way, so of course it must sound some way. The question is, what does it sound like?6
All of expression is a form of language, and there is a relationship between this alphabet that we’ve created for ourselves, and the way we express ourselves out into the world. It’s processing, communication, and then interpretation.
My first language is technically Chinese, my second is English, and my third is musical notation—my mother is a piano teacher who taught me piano since the age of 5. I grew up listening to her and her students playing classical music everyday, and adopted melody as my primary way of listening. Meanwhile, I was still understanding how to speak as a child.
My fourth language is reading people: with my deafness, I acclimated by reading people’s body language, vocal tones, facial expressions, amd lips. While there is an argument for trauma being embedded in my ability to understand and translate energy, I strongly believe that I compensated for my lack of ability to hear clearly, with a skill in non-verbal comprehension.
It makes sense now, to combine these forms of self-expression into an immersive experience that is an amalgamation of my artistic loves. As an artist, of course there are endless mediums I would love to tap into, but this story isn’t quiet—it’s loud and it has the wings of a symphony, and it is my responsibility to translate what I hear, for you to listen to.
GRIEF, I GRIEVED
I’ve been quite sad as of the last month. This numbness reminds me of the time last year when [redacted] and I sat in grey and blue for the longest time, without even realising it. My body has a way of processing ambiguous emotions, and with the tide of seasons changing, it’s natural that I’m evolving as well. I’m still at least painting, but the playlist-making has paused as of the moment.
I had thought those three months of being laid off was the most devastating part of this year, but more heartbreak came soon thereafter. Part of it was the cyclical nature of the universe’s game of catch-and-release, but I do credit these growing pains to my own accords. I’ve never been one to shy away from confrontation, but the pain just lingers longer than I’d like.
I think I mainly want to know, if you’re still here with me. I don’t want to show up to a funeral for a relationship that is still alive. It’ll be okay, my work will speak for itself what this grief feels like.
I had thought those three months of being laid off was the most devastating part of this year, but more heartbreak came soon thereafter. Part of it was the cyclical nature of the universe’s game of catch-and-release, but I do credit these growing pains to my own accords. I’ve never been one to shy away from confrontation, but the pain just lingers longer than I’d like.
I think I mainly want to know, if you’re still here with me. I don’t want to show up to a funeral for a relationship that is still alive. It’ll be okay, my work will speak for itself what this grief feels like.
THE LIVING ROOM
The Living Room7 came to existence when I began to create playlists to cope with my misery, and needed a digital space to share them. I liked the idea of an internet archive of my many states of mind, and was inspired by the concept of a “digital garden”. It is a blog of sort—it is whatever I want it to be and that is the beauty of it.
I released the Living Room in January, and wasn’t satisfied with my first iteration of the Living Room, so I re-designed the current Living Room to align more closely with who I am to show my point of view more clearly8.
I’ve been live instagram-story-storytelling for years now, and hand journaling has never been a consistency of mine, so I’m hoping to strengthen my typing muscles again to capture this little life of mine and memorialise it somewhere. This is my bid for connection—I’m trying a new way to be seen and heard.
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I released the Living Room in January, and wasn’t satisfied with my first iteration of the Living Room, so I re-designed the current Living Room to align more closely with who I am to show my point of view more clearly8.
I’ve been live instagram-story-storytelling for years now, and hand journaling has never been a consistency of mine, so I’m hoping to strengthen my typing muscles again to capture this little life of mine and memorialise it somewhere. This is my bid for connection—I’m trying a new way to be seen and heard.


I DESIGN TOO
My innie. Yes, my 9-5 is product design (this is why it takes forever for me to finish a painting). My career in product design and recent stint re-doing my entire design presentation online to seek work, forced me to evaluate my own process for design decisions.
The rules of design applies to the rules of life. Create the barebones of your idea, play with composition, scale, colour, contrast, rule of thirds. If it looks like a mistake then revise. If something feels right, then evaluate why it feels right. What motifs does your work integrate and what is the story that you are telling? What is your ethos?
My friend told me recently that he thinks I am sculpting more in my painting, rather than painting.
The rules of design applies to the rules of life. Create the barebones of your idea, play with composition, scale, colour, contrast, rule of thirds. If it looks like a mistake then revise. If something feels right, then evaluate why it feels right. What motifs does your work integrate and what is the story that you are telling? What is your ethos?
My friend told me recently that he thinks I am sculpting more in my painting, rather than painting.
“There’s a lot of value and contrast in your work. Even with the nuanced onces, light is kind of in there. But it’s different from painting sunlight falling on a still life. (...) your technique approach is more sculptural where as traditional (like atelier) painters would try to solve it with color and value and tint and hue.
(...) perhaps try the more traditional approaches too since you are painting, but also be honest with yourself that you’re sculpting a bit, so you can look into other sculpting techniques and materials to achieve effects you want.”
It’s true, I am designing my painting more than traditionally painting it. My background in architecture is very much a part of my design ethos, and the intersection between architecture and art and writing is very much a part of my personal and experiential world-building. This strong desire to create a beautiful world to exist in, and understand the patterns of how I got there, is just like writing this diary and sharing it with you. It’s self-centered and self-motivated but I just need to show you what I find so profoundly beautiful.
I’m slowly learning to thoughtfully extricate my design sensibilities from painting when needed, but it’s all making sense to me now—how my art in context of my lived experience, starts from the roots my parents planted for me. It’s an exciting time for me to dig deeper into who I was, and how I can embed my personal history, and narrate that into my current art practise.This includes but is not limited to:
My new interests include but are not limited to
It’ll be fun to interrogate all of these interests and see how they intersect. I’ve been enjoying aging and getting to know myself better.
I’m slowly learning to thoughtfully extricate my design sensibilities from painting when needed, but it’s all making sense to me now—how my art in context of my lived experience, starts from the roots my parents planted for me. It’s an exciting time for me to dig deeper into who I was, and how I can embed my personal history, and narrate that into my current art practise.This includes but is not limited to:
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My piano and flute-playing
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Going to ballets and symphonies as a child onwards
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I have always loved math (and am average at it)
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Architecture degree
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Self-portraiture in photography
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Reading (god bless, I’m reading again)
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Writing (I grew up using my parents’ typwriter, will buy one soon!!)
- Volcanoes
My new interests include but are not limited to
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Candles
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Insects (I want a leaf bug so badly)
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Wooden and paper fans (Chinese heritage)
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Book binding
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Tea
- Vinyls (Still don’t have a record player :( )
- Some form of DJ-ing
It’ll be fun to interrogate all of these interests and see how they intersect. I’ve been enjoying aging and getting to know myself better.
LET’S GO SOMEWHERE
At the moment, I live between here and there—I’m not quite floating in the clouds but I’m certainly not standing up yet. During this time, I finished a piece that I’m over the moon about but have yet to name. I am working on a series of three paintings of an embrace, and simultaneously painting two white paintings. It feels good to come back to myself, I just still hear some noise that I am trying to make sense of, or at least churn into music for me to sing to9.
It feels good to at least work on this Living Room and continue my means of contemplation through digital spaces, such as Tik Tok. Physically I am exhausted still, but hard work doesn’t come with natural wears of fatigue. At least the moon still sees me, and soon she will hear me sing.
It feels good to at least work on this Living Room and continue my means of contemplation through digital spaces, such as Tik Tok. Physically I am exhausted still, but hard work doesn’t come with natural wears of fatigue. At least the moon still sees me, and soon she will hear me sing.
Footnotes
1. Interruptions is a series of artistic events, encouraging artists to create, practise, and play in the mundanity of the everyday life. I have hosted eight thus far in NYC. Currently programming is paused.
2. I stopped sleeping well on January 10 (the day I got laid off) and I began sleeping well again on March 26, the night before my interview. It’s shocking how our bodies understand and process life.
3. I’m proudly type A-, and my Capricorn moon encourages me to document my habits and behavior and likes, such as routinely creating folders, customising naming conventions for files, systemising Notion databases—all to streamline and better my day-to-day lifestyle.
4. My parents both worked from home, so I utilised the internet to create a third space that I could live in that wasn’t their work life or our shared family life. I needed a space to call my own.
5. This fabulous video on Tik Tok by Erica Nicole, talks about the history of the word “cool” and its relationship to Blackness.
6. I have forever talked about creating an album of paintings, with a song that comes with each piece. Originally I was to commission friends, but I think it’s time I make my own music. This may commence in a gallery-listening-party, or a listening website, or a DJ set, anything really!
7. My friend pointed out that I may have taken the name “Living Room” from a Discord channel of an online community I was a part of it. I may have! It is a beautiful name, and I chose it because I wanted a digital space to share.
8. My design manager once commented on my design work and said “let’s have a point of view on this.” I’ve thought about this many times in my life, and now tie myself to opinions, ideas, and objects with reasoning (that may change, that is the nature of humanity).
9. This is a metaphor. I am not a great singer, but there may be some spoken word on some tracks. Stay tuned! Feel free to send me some songs.
2. I stopped sleeping well on January 10 (the day I got laid off) and I began sleeping well again on March 26, the night before my interview. It’s shocking how our bodies understand and process life.
3. I’m proudly type A-, and my Capricorn moon encourages me to document my habits and behavior and likes, such as routinely creating folders, customising naming conventions for files, systemising Notion databases—all to streamline and better my day-to-day lifestyle.
4. My parents both worked from home, so I utilised the internet to create a third space that I could live in that wasn’t their work life or our shared family life. I needed a space to call my own.
5. This fabulous video on Tik Tok by Erica Nicole, talks about the history of the word “cool” and its relationship to Blackness.
6. I have forever talked about creating an album of paintings, with a song that comes with each piece. Originally I was to commission friends, but I think it’s time I make my own music. This may commence in a gallery-listening-party, or a listening website, or a DJ set, anything really!
7. My friend pointed out that I may have taken the name “Living Room” from a Discord channel of an online community I was a part of it. I may have! It is a beautiful name, and I chose it because I wanted a digital space to share.
8. My design manager once commented on my design work and said “let’s have a point of view on this.” I’ve thought about this many times in my life, and now tie myself to opinions, ideas, and objects with reasoning (that may change, that is the nature of humanity).
9. This is a metaphor. I am not a great singer, but there may be some spoken word on some tracks. Stay tuned! Feel free to send me some songs.
Self portraits

Model for Contoured Playground, 1941
Isamu Noguchi

Mountain Fire
John Singer Sargent (1856-1925)


Louise Bourgeois

New releases
youtube
confessions of an artist | my shoes don’t fit anymoreconfessions of an artist | i lost my shoes
mixes
the beach parties are better in outer space on NTS, the better version is on soundcloud
drops of rain my my skin and yours too
paintings
sensational, 2024
arabella, 2025
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confessions of an artist | my shoes don’t fit anymoreconfessions of an artist | i lost my shoes
mixes
the beach parties are better in outer space on NTS, the better version is on soundcloud
drops of rain my my skin and yours too
paintings
sensational, 2024
arabella, 2025


My mind is like
READING
⎰Fashioning Identity by Maria Mackinney-Valentin
⎰Artificial Hells: Participatory Art and the Politics of Spectatorship by Claire Bishop
⎰Glitch Feminism: A Manifesto by Legacy Russell
⎰Erik Satie Three Piece Suite by Ian Penman
⎰Artificial Hells: Participatory Art and the Politics of Spectatorship by Claire Bishop
⎰Glitch Feminism: A Manifesto by Legacy Russell
⎰Erik Satie Three Piece Suite by Ian Penman
LISTENING
⎰Speed Racer by Fernanda Abreu
⎰The Island Of Kings by Annabelle McBride
⎰Times Like These by Addison Rae
⎰It’s An Uphill Climb To The Bottom by Walter Jackson
⎰English Renaissance, Landscape Series (1987) by John Themis
⎰Empire Des Pulsions by Mert Seger
⎰Flowers Are Dying, By the Way by The Happies
⎰Classical vinyl mix by Derrick Gee
⎰The Island Of Kings by Annabelle McBride
⎰Times Like These by Addison Rae
⎰It’s An Uphill Climb To The Bottom by Walter Jackson
⎰English Renaissance, Landscape Series (1987) by John Themis
⎰Empire Des Pulsions by Mert Seger
⎰Flowers Are Dying, By the Way by The Happies
⎰Classical vinyl mix by Derrick Gee
WATCHING
⎰Fashion Neurosis Podcast with Bella Freud
⎰YOU Season 5
⎰Handmaid’s Tale season 6
⎰Antz
⎰Squid Game Season 3
⎰Marianela Nuñez (I nearly flew to London to see her once, she has one of the best effortless-appearing Swan Lake 32 fouettes)
⎰YOU Season 5
⎰Handmaid’s Tale season 6
⎰Antz
⎰Squid Game Season 3
⎰Marianela Nuñez (I nearly flew to London to see her once, she has one of the best effortless-appearing Swan Lake 32 fouettes)
LOVING
⎰Unified Goods—recommended by Niki Colet
⎰Potato noodle salad with seaweed, daikon, edamame, peanut sauce
⎰Mindy Seu—an incredible thinker/designer/researcher/writer
⎰Novella Parigini
⎰Potato noodle salad with seaweed, daikon, edamame, peanut sauce
⎰Mindy Seu—an incredible thinker/designer/researcher/writer
⎰Novella Parigini
WEARING
⎰Chrystie Bag by Freja
⎰Vintage silk scarves
⎰The Bibio Project—I love beads and netting
⎰Estate sale pearls
⎰Secondhand Uma Wang ballet flats as seen on Rachel Nguyen
⎰Vintage silk scarves
⎰The Bibio Project—I love beads and netting
⎰Estate sale pearls
⎰Secondhand Uma Wang ballet flats as seen on Rachel Nguyen